Romney Is Sexiest Man On Earth, If You Redefine “Romney,” “Sexy,” “Man,” and “Earth”

by evanmcmurry

I don’t even know where to start pulling at the tangled logic of this new Daily Caller piece about Romney, Obama, and sex-appeal, which tries to have every argument all ways and, like an equation divided by itself, ends up with “1=Romney.” Near as I can tell, it’s wrong to call Romney a “wimp,” which is akin to calling him  a “sissy,” which is totally emasculating, except it’s not, because feminazi libruls have flipped the definitions of sexy and manly to be primarily feminine, such that professor-poet Obama is considered sexy when he’s really a lily flower, but also that sexiness—which totally doesn’t exist—was the only reason he got elected. But if you flip the definitions back to where they belong, then it’s perfectly acceptable to emasculate your opponent, who is now Obama, and Romney is alpha male #1. Follow that?

Somewhere in there is this statement:

That this campaign has been dubbed the dullest campaign ever cuts like a knife into Romney’s most serious defect: He seems so totally boring and uncharismatic. 

Romney wishes that was his biggest defect. If lack of magnetism were the worst thing Mittens had to deal with—if he could somehow delete the fact that he is a walking symbol of the economic excess and inequality that created the world’s biggest financial spasm in three generations; is being forced by his party to renege on almost every single position he’s ever held, causing him to be almost pathologically unable to articulate a single policy position; must advance proposals that fly in the face of basic mathematics; can’t open his mouth without offending another nation; authored the health care reform that became the basis of the law he must now run against; can’t inspire his own party; is even on David Brooks’s shitlist; and, to certain segments of the population, is synonymous with “tied a dog to the roof of his car”—he’d be fine.

Romney’s robot-like demeanor was his biggest problem in 2008, because he was never a serious contender for president. Now, his charisma, or lack thereof, doesn’t even make the top 10.

But notice the above quote didn’t actually claim Romney was uncharismatic, but merely that he “seemed” so. I don’t know how you can seem uncharismatic without actually being so, as charisma is comprised entirely of seeming. But this logic—don’t believe anything you see Mitt Romney do or hear him say, he’s actually great, you just can’t see it or aren’t looking right—is true of every defense of the man. E.g., his business experience qualifies him for president, except for the parts about the layoffs and bankruptcies, which Romney didn’t do because he wasn’t even there, even though he was, which he wasn’t. Or: Romney’s statements in Israel are not problematic because he never actually said them. Even the apologies of Romney require him to bolt off-stage.

Anyway, there’s a perfect example sitting around to prove Romney’s masculinity, namely that he beat up somebody he thought was gay, which is more hetero-manly than bench-pressing a Chick-Fil-A. Except Romney claims he didn’t do that, either. There’s just no winning with this guy.