tl;dr [fart]

by evanmcmurry

Like many people, I stop reading most articles about halfway through, and thus absorb all of life in brief, lede-dense doses. But if you don’t stick it out to the end, you’ll never get Merle Haggard’s advice on farting:

Haggard: I’ve always eaten a lot of beans, I don’t know why. I know it’s bird food, but I’m a big ol’ bird! I cook beans at home so much that they nicknamed me “The Bean Man.” Everything I’ve accomplished in life and that’s what they’ve reduced me to. The Bean Man.

Q: What’s your favorite way to cook beans?

Haggard: You can cook ’em several different ways. You can bake ’em, you can boil ’em, you can cook them plain and season them afterwards or you can season them during the time they’re cookin’. If you do it right they’re really good. And if you do it wrong, they’re really, really bad.

Q: I ask because I love cooking beans, too, but no matter what method I use I can’t get them right.

Haggard: Well sometimes you gotta cook ’em with Coca-Cola to get rid of the gas.

Q: Really?

Haggard: There are two things in life that cause gas: holding back laughter and cooking your beans the wrong way (laughs).